Alone

In a nutshell, that is how I feel. I am surrounded by friends and family yet I still feel so alone. I don't talk much these days. At home with my child and partner, I am quiet. I don't leave the house to socialise only, to do the things I HAVE to do. I don't answer the phones. I get my partner to make constant excuses for not having people over and not visiting anyone.

My partner and child still socialise just without my presense also. People are beginning to ask questions and it makes me feel like an asshole to know that my partner has to make up excuses for my absence all the time. I know it makes it difficult but I just don't want people to know. It makes me almost physically ill to think that those outside of my home know that I am sick.

I am fighting against yet another MHU admission. I just can't help but cut myself. The harder I try to resist the more destruction I do. My partner feels helpless and I feel so ashamed and like such a failure. I don't know why I can't just 'snap out of it'. I have daily contact with the MHT, I have no choice on this one. If I ignore their calls, I am forced into admission. The calls are always the same. Them asking what seem to be a million questions and them not getting much of a response from me. Talking it would seem is too much effort.

They are encouraging me to use this blog as 'an out'. I promised I would try. The hardest part is, I don't really know what to say. It seems so dark to come in here and write about my illness. There is nothing positive coming out as I type. I find it just so difficult to express myself when I feel this way.

My partner has been begging that I open up and talk. I am trying too so hard yet I still fail. I am a failure in every sense of the word. I am failing myself, my partner and our child. I sleep more than I am awake. I am quiet more than I speak. I cut deeper each time. Seeing the bleeding is becoming more and more of a high. It is the only time I ever feel a little bit of control. I can control how deep, wide and long the cuts are. I choose where to cut, how to hide them and have them go unnoticed for even a day.

I hate me. I hate my illness. I hate how alone I feel. What is the point in talking about anything when I know no one understands. I feel mocked by the MHT. They speak down to me as though I am 2yrs old. They use child like behaviours to try and draw me out of myself. They try so hard to provoke a reaction from me. The constant threats of admission to the MHU. I don't care for any of it.

Alone. I long to know what it feels to not feel alone.

School holidays start today and I have made myself set some very basic goals. I need to spend more time awake. I need to give my attention to my child. I need to leave the house and take my child out. Baby steps first. To the park across the road. To the beach up the road. Visit a friend so the children can play. Find a happy face and keep it intact for 6 weeks.

To help tackle the coming 6 weeks my medications have been slightly altered. I hope that this alone will make a small difference. I am such a failure but I don't want to fail my child day in and out. I have to try ever so hard to find a happy face.

ALONE

I am surrounded by people yet, so alone

I am surrounded by support yet, so alone

I am surrounded by love yet, so alone



I have so much to be grateful for yet, so alone

I have so much to be happy about yet, so alone

I have inner strength at times yet, so alone



I have so much to live for yet, so alone

I have so much joy around me yet, so alone

I have smiling faces around me yet, so alone



I have the surface 'perfect life' yet, so alone

I need or want for nothing yet, so alone

I am so blessed in many ways yet, so alone



I wish to break free of my evils yet, so alone

I wish to run & laugh & play yet, so alone

I wish to be me again yet, so alone



Alone, alone, alone, alone

It's been bad

I have finally been discharged from the MHU again. I was admitted due to my self harming and wishes to crawl into a ball and die. Am I better for the admission? No, all they do for you is drug you so you are a zombie. Do I still feel the same? Yes and no. I am so exhausted I really have no energy for self harming or ending it all.

Being locked up in that place is a nightmare. You are treated like a child. You are locked in and can't even go outside for fresh air or, more importantly a cigarette. Where do they think one would go? The small outdoor area attached to the MHU is like a fortress.

Anyway, I am still in a very dark place but, did all the right things to ensure my discharge. I swear that you could go into the MHU a sane person and leave as an insane person. Nothing else really to say at this point just trying to get back into life again.