After a long stay in the MHU I am finally home again. This most recent stay was my longest yet. I was allowed home for a few hours on xmas day but other than that, I was in there for 6 weeks.
I don't understand why I do it but, I stop taking my medication. This then results in self destruction. I get to the point where I feel good and therefore convince myself I don't need my medication. After several days without my meds I become completely unhinged. I lose all self control and become a danger to myself. This time was by far the worst, I severed an artery and lost 4L of blood.
I feel disgusted with myself for what I have done. I have caused so much distress for my partner and our child. I know that my partner will never recover from finding me just clinging to life in an enormous pool of blood. I guess the only positive that came along was, our child was with family at the time so, didn't witness anything.
My dosage has been tripled on most of my medications in the hopes that I will level out. This, being my 2nd day home I still feel quite dopey. I am tired and feel like I could sleep forever. It is a struggle to drag myself out of bed to take care of my child. However, I just have to keep reminding myself that each day will get better and better. I HAVE to take my medications and be far more responsible in order to stay away from the MHU.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
Alone
In a nutshell, that is how I feel. I am surrounded by friends and family yet I still feel so alone. I don't talk much these days. At home with my child and partner, I am quiet. I don't leave the house to socialise only, to do the things I HAVE to do. I don't answer the phones. I get my partner to make constant excuses for not having people over and not visiting anyone.
My partner and child still socialise just without my presense also. People are beginning to ask questions and it makes me feel like an asshole to know that my partner has to make up excuses for my absence all the time. I know it makes it difficult but I just don't want people to know. It makes me almost physically ill to think that those outside of my home know that I am sick.
I am fighting against yet another MHU admission. I just can't help but cut myself. The harder I try to resist the more destruction I do. My partner feels helpless and I feel so ashamed and like such a failure. I don't know why I can't just 'snap out of it'. I have daily contact with the MHT, I have no choice on this one. If I ignore their calls, I am forced into admission. The calls are always the same. Them asking what seem to be a million questions and them not getting much of a response from me. Talking it would seem is too much effort.
They are encouraging me to use this blog as 'an out'. I promised I would try. The hardest part is, I don't really know what to say. It seems so dark to come in here and write about my illness. There is nothing positive coming out as I type. I find it just so difficult to express myself when I feel this way.
My partner has been begging that I open up and talk. I am trying too so hard yet I still fail. I am a failure in every sense of the word. I am failing myself, my partner and our child. I sleep more than I am awake. I am quiet more than I speak. I cut deeper each time. Seeing the bleeding is becoming more and more of a high. It is the only time I ever feel a little bit of control. I can control how deep, wide and long the cuts are. I choose where to cut, how to hide them and have them go unnoticed for even a day.
I hate me. I hate my illness. I hate how alone I feel. What is the point in talking about anything when I know no one understands. I feel mocked by the MHT. They speak down to me as though I am 2yrs old. They use child like behaviours to try and draw me out of myself. They try so hard to provoke a reaction from me. The constant threats of admission to the MHU. I don't care for any of it.
Alone. I long to know what it feels to not feel alone.
School holidays start today and I have made myself set some very basic goals. I need to spend more time awake. I need to give my attention to my child. I need to leave the house and take my child out. Baby steps first. To the park across the road. To the beach up the road. Visit a friend so the children can play. Find a happy face and keep it intact for 6 weeks.
To help tackle the coming 6 weeks my medications have been slightly altered. I hope that this alone will make a small difference. I am such a failure but I don't want to fail my child day in and out. I have to try ever so hard to find a happy face.
My partner and child still socialise just without my presense also. People are beginning to ask questions and it makes me feel like an asshole to know that my partner has to make up excuses for my absence all the time. I know it makes it difficult but I just don't want people to know. It makes me almost physically ill to think that those outside of my home know that I am sick.
I am fighting against yet another MHU admission. I just can't help but cut myself. The harder I try to resist the more destruction I do. My partner feels helpless and I feel so ashamed and like such a failure. I don't know why I can't just 'snap out of it'. I have daily contact with the MHT, I have no choice on this one. If I ignore their calls, I am forced into admission. The calls are always the same. Them asking what seem to be a million questions and them not getting much of a response from me. Talking it would seem is too much effort.
They are encouraging me to use this blog as 'an out'. I promised I would try. The hardest part is, I don't really know what to say. It seems so dark to come in here and write about my illness. There is nothing positive coming out as I type. I find it just so difficult to express myself when I feel this way.
My partner has been begging that I open up and talk. I am trying too so hard yet I still fail. I am a failure in every sense of the word. I am failing myself, my partner and our child. I sleep more than I am awake. I am quiet more than I speak. I cut deeper each time. Seeing the bleeding is becoming more and more of a high. It is the only time I ever feel a little bit of control. I can control how deep, wide and long the cuts are. I choose where to cut, how to hide them and have them go unnoticed for even a day.
I hate me. I hate my illness. I hate how alone I feel. What is the point in talking about anything when I know no one understands. I feel mocked by the MHT. They speak down to me as though I am 2yrs old. They use child like behaviours to try and draw me out of myself. They try so hard to provoke a reaction from me. The constant threats of admission to the MHU. I don't care for any of it.
Alone. I long to know what it feels to not feel alone.
School holidays start today and I have made myself set some very basic goals. I need to spend more time awake. I need to give my attention to my child. I need to leave the house and take my child out. Baby steps first. To the park across the road. To the beach up the road. Visit a friend so the children can play. Find a happy face and keep it intact for 6 weeks.
To help tackle the coming 6 weeks my medications have been slightly altered. I hope that this alone will make a small difference. I am such a failure but I don't want to fail my child day in and out. I have to try ever so hard to find a happy face.
ALONE
I am surrounded by people yet, so alone
I am surrounded by support yet, so alone
I am surrounded by love yet, so alone
I have so much to be grateful for yet, so alone
I have so much to be happy about yet, so alone
I have inner strength at times yet, so alone
I have so much to live for yet, so alone
I have so much joy around me yet, so alone
I have smiling faces around me yet, so alone
I have the surface 'perfect life' yet, so alone
I need or want for nothing yet, so alone
I am so blessed in many ways yet, so alone
I wish to break free of my evils yet, so alone
I wish to run & laugh & play yet, so alone
I wish to be me again yet, so alone
Alone, alone, alone, alone
I am surrounded by people yet, so alone
I am surrounded by support yet, so alone
I am surrounded by love yet, so alone
I have so much to be grateful for yet, so alone
I have so much to be happy about yet, so alone
I have inner strength at times yet, so alone
I have so much to live for yet, so alone
I have so much joy around me yet, so alone
I have smiling faces around me yet, so alone
I have the surface 'perfect life' yet, so alone
I need or want for nothing yet, so alone
I am so blessed in many ways yet, so alone
I wish to break free of my evils yet, so alone
I wish to run & laugh & play yet, so alone
I wish to be me again yet, so alone
Alone, alone, alone, alone
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
It's been bad
I have finally been discharged from the MHU again. I was admitted due to my self harming and wishes to crawl into a ball and die. Am I better for the admission? No, all they do for you is drug you so you are a zombie. Do I still feel the same? Yes and no. I am so exhausted I really have no energy for self harming or ending it all.
Being locked up in that place is a nightmare. You are treated like a child. You are locked in and can't even go outside for fresh air or, more importantly a cigarette. Where do they think one would go? The small outdoor area attached to the MHU is like a fortress.
Anyway, I am still in a very dark place but, did all the right things to ensure my discharge. I swear that you could go into the MHU a sane person and leave as an insane person. Nothing else really to say at this point just trying to get back into life again.
Being locked up in that place is a nightmare. You are treated like a child. You are locked in and can't even go outside for fresh air or, more importantly a cigarette. Where do they think one would go? The small outdoor area attached to the MHU is like a fortress.
Anyway, I am still in a very dark place but, did all the right things to ensure my discharge. I swear that you could go into the MHU a sane person and leave as an insane person. Nothing else really to say at this point just trying to get back into life again.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The black cloud that has engulfed me
There is no escape, no way out, no exit the black cloud has engulfed me and I can't see out. Each time I try and look out, the cloud darkens. I am being forced back and held down, as though I am being told I have no right to assume I have the opportunity to get out.
It is very hot here, beads of sweat glisten on my skin, my hair has lost any shape it did have and is hanging limp, the air feels very thick and is making it difficult to breath. Try as I might, I cannot get to my feet. It is as though there is 1000 tonne sitting on my lap, ensuring that I remain in this position.
My mood is flat. Not great, not bad, just flat. This is a difficult place for me to be in for I lack the ability to clearly communicate much. Writing in the blog is the most I can communicate about how I feel. Fortunately enough, my partner knows to come in here and have a read if I am not talking.
I find it so hard to talk most of the time. Besides the fact that I can't ever find the 'right' words to describe my feelings, I actually cause a more negative outcome by getting everything wrong when I try and communicate. Further to this it is not something that I really like to talk about. I normally snap out of this black cloud place and it is replaced by the no cloud place. This then presents a whole new set of issues.
Today, I shall try my best to quietly move through the black cloud and come out of the no cloud side to where the sky is the msot beautiful blue.
It is very hot here, beads of sweat glisten on my skin, my hair has lost any shape it did have and is hanging limp, the air feels very thick and is making it difficult to breath. Try as I might, I cannot get to my feet. It is as though there is 1000 tonne sitting on my lap, ensuring that I remain in this position.
My mood is flat. Not great, not bad, just flat. This is a difficult place for me to be in for I lack the ability to clearly communicate much. Writing in the blog is the most I can communicate about how I feel. Fortunately enough, my partner knows to come in here and have a read if I am not talking.
I find it so hard to talk most of the time. Besides the fact that I can't ever find the 'right' words to describe my feelings, I actually cause a more negative outcome by getting everything wrong when I try and communicate. Further to this it is not something that I really like to talk about. I normally snap out of this black cloud place and it is replaced by the no cloud place. This then presents a whole new set of issues.
Today, I shall try my best to quietly move through the black cloud and come out of the no cloud side to where the sky is the msot beautiful blue.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Labels?
Why is it that society has the need to label everything? We label race, sex, sexual orientation, mental health and....the list goes on and on. I however, wish to discuss the labels on those of us who live with a mental illness.
I have Bipolar, I however, am NOT Bipolar. I am me, the daughter of a wonderful woman whom gave me life some 30yrs ago. I am a wife, mother, full-time student and housekeeper who happens to have Bipolar.
I am finding more and more people who like to label themselves and others. I have a friend whom has just recently claimed a diagnosis of Bipolar. Do I believe this person has Bipolar? Not on your life! Why does this person want this label? To use as an excuse for their abhorrent behaviour and outright selfishness.
How do I know this person does not have Bipolar? I have known this person long enough and have been all too aware of their interest in my illness. When someone randomly starts asking questions about drug names I take etc, my suspicions are piqued.
Furthermore, when one finds out that this person has spent an incredible amount of time Dr Googling all about Bipolar, alarm bells sound. This person has gone through all of the 'signs of Bipolar' and rattled them off to a Dr whom they have only seen for the first time and rather alarmingly, prescribed Bipolar medications.
This disturbs me hugely. Bipolar is not something that can be diagnosed by one visit to a GP. Normal GP's will NOT prescribe Bipolar meds. GP's will prescribe AD's but not the anti-psychotics etc. Which, brings me to another interesting point, the GP hasn't even prescribed AD's.......
The mind boggles as to why people like to label themselves. For the most part, atleast in this case, I believe that it is attention seeking behaviour and trying to find excuses for lazy, selfish behaviour. This person it would seem, will do anything NOT to work. My prediction? Within the coming month, this person will be not working and claiming sickness benefits from Centrelink!
People like that give me the irits something shocking!
Ok, rant over.
I have Bipolar, I however, am NOT Bipolar. I am me, the daughter of a wonderful woman whom gave me life some 30yrs ago. I am a wife, mother, full-time student and housekeeper who happens to have Bipolar.
I am finding more and more people who like to label themselves and others. I have a friend whom has just recently claimed a diagnosis of Bipolar. Do I believe this person has Bipolar? Not on your life! Why does this person want this label? To use as an excuse for their abhorrent behaviour and outright selfishness.
How do I know this person does not have Bipolar? I have known this person long enough and have been all too aware of their interest in my illness. When someone randomly starts asking questions about drug names I take etc, my suspicions are piqued.
Furthermore, when one finds out that this person has spent an incredible amount of time Dr Googling all about Bipolar, alarm bells sound. This person has gone through all of the 'signs of Bipolar' and rattled them off to a Dr whom they have only seen for the first time and rather alarmingly, prescribed Bipolar medications.
This disturbs me hugely. Bipolar is not something that can be diagnosed by one visit to a GP. Normal GP's will NOT prescribe Bipolar meds. GP's will prescribe AD's but not the anti-psychotics etc. Which, brings me to another interesting point, the GP hasn't even prescribed AD's.......
The mind boggles as to why people like to label themselves. For the most part, atleast in this case, I believe that it is attention seeking behaviour and trying to find excuses for lazy, selfish behaviour. This person it would seem, will do anything NOT to work. My prediction? Within the coming month, this person will be not working and claiming sickness benefits from Centrelink!
People like that give me the irits something shocking!
Ok, rant over.
Almost over the edge
Is how I feel today. I am exhausted, low, wishing my brain to slow right down and on edge. Even though I know why I am likely to be feeling this way, it has engulfed me. I haven't had my proper doses of medication for over a week now. How does this happen? No memory! I honestly forget that I need to go and get more medication, it is only at night when I take my meds that I realise, shit I need more meds.
Yesterday afternoon made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I came home from uni and felt wiped out. I only had an hour before I was due to pick my daughter up from school. I set my alarm for 2.50pm and fell asleep almost instantly. I am then woken not by my alarm but, by the phone ringing. It was after school care, they had my daughter. I looked at the clock and it was 4.30pm, clearly I had slept through my alarm and once I got off the phone, I saw several missed calls.
I felt like the most irresponsible mother ever. When I arrived at after school care, 10mins later, I apologised profusely but fortunately, the girls know about my illness and didn't look down upon me for what happened. God bless them, they are so wonderful to us and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed.
So, I didn't get to the gym this morning, felt too ratty. I will try my hardest to get there this afternoon but, that will largely depend on how much rest I get between now and then. I am not going to uni today, I wouldn't concentrate on anything other than how exhausted I feel. I won't be missing anything anyway as I am already onto my 2 assignments that are due soon.
My eyelids are so heavy, I am fighting to keep my eyes open. As sad as it is, I can't wait until the school drop-off is done and I can come home and collapse into bed. Fingers crossed I feel better after some sleep.
Yesterday afternoon made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I came home from uni and felt wiped out. I only had an hour before I was due to pick my daughter up from school. I set my alarm for 2.50pm and fell asleep almost instantly. I am then woken not by my alarm but, by the phone ringing. It was after school care, they had my daughter. I looked at the clock and it was 4.30pm, clearly I had slept through my alarm and once I got off the phone, I saw several missed calls.
I felt like the most irresponsible mother ever. When I arrived at after school care, 10mins later, I apologised profusely but fortunately, the girls know about my illness and didn't look down upon me for what happened. God bless them, they are so wonderful to us and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed.
So, I didn't get to the gym this morning, felt too ratty. I will try my hardest to get there this afternoon but, that will largely depend on how much rest I get between now and then. I am not going to uni today, I wouldn't concentrate on anything other than how exhausted I feel. I won't be missing anything anyway as I am already onto my 2 assignments that are due soon.
My eyelids are so heavy, I am fighting to keep my eyes open. As sad as it is, I can't wait until the school drop-off is done and I can come home and collapse into bed. Fingers crossed I feel better after some sleep.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The exhaustion that comes with a brain that refuses to stop
This morning I am feeling exhausted. Last night, my brain for whatever reason, refused to stop and allow a peaceful sleep. This is not uncommon, quite the contrary but last night I would have given anything just for a feew hours of solid sleep.
I did get up on time and take my wife to work then, went off to the gym however, even at the gym this morning I was very uninspired. I only did 10 mins of cardio before deciding I wasn't in the mood however, I did do an hour of weights and pushed myself. Truth be told, I prefer weights over cardio anyday!
Today I need to find some energy and get my house organised. Monday is a day where I catch up on all things called 'housework'. I think also that I will go back to the gym after doing the school run to do 1-2hrs cardio. I am ashamed of how lazy I was this morning.
I have 3 assignments that are due this week, 2 of them being due tomorrow. With any luck I will feel re-energised after doing my cardio workout and will come home full of energy. I am so close to the end of my studies, it is getting a little daunting. I still don't know what job I want to get at the end of finishing my degree. There are so many options, which makes it so difficult to make a decision. That and the fact that I change my mind more than I change my underwear.
After spending a nice lowkey weekend just the 3 of us, routine returns. I HATE routines! I prefer to go with the flow and find it impossible to make arrangements in advance. No matter what I do, I just can't commit to something that is forecast tomorrow and beyond. On the rare occassion where I absolutely have to commit to arrangements made in advance, I usually have several panick attacks leading up to the event and on the way to the event, vomit many times over.
Me and spontineity do not mix.
I did get up on time and take my wife to work then, went off to the gym however, even at the gym this morning I was very uninspired. I only did 10 mins of cardio before deciding I wasn't in the mood however, I did do an hour of weights and pushed myself. Truth be told, I prefer weights over cardio anyday!
Today I need to find some energy and get my house organised. Monday is a day where I catch up on all things called 'housework'. I think also that I will go back to the gym after doing the school run to do 1-2hrs cardio. I am ashamed of how lazy I was this morning.
I have 3 assignments that are due this week, 2 of them being due tomorrow. With any luck I will feel re-energised after doing my cardio workout and will come home full of energy. I am so close to the end of my studies, it is getting a little daunting. I still don't know what job I want to get at the end of finishing my degree. There are so many options, which makes it so difficult to make a decision. That and the fact that I change my mind more than I change my underwear.
After spending a nice lowkey weekend just the 3 of us, routine returns. I HATE routines! I prefer to go with the flow and find it impossible to make arrangements in advance. No matter what I do, I just can't commit to something that is forecast tomorrow and beyond. On the rare occassion where I absolutely have to commit to arrangements made in advance, I usually have several panick attacks leading up to the event and on the way to the event, vomit many times over.
Me and spontineity do not mix.
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