Finally home again!

After a long stay in the MHU I am finally home again. This most recent stay was my longest yet. I was allowed home for a few hours on xmas day but other than that, I was in there for 6 weeks.

I don't understand why I do it but, I stop taking my medication. This then results in self destruction. I get to the point where I feel good and therefore convince myself I don't need my medication. After several days without my meds I become completely unhinged. I lose all self control and become a danger to myself. This time was by far the worst, I severed an artery and lost 4L of blood.

I feel disgusted with myself for what I have done. I have caused so much distress for my partner and our child. I know that my partner will never recover from finding me just clinging to life in an enormous pool of blood. I guess the only positive that came along was, our child was with family at the time so, didn't witness anything.

My dosage has been tripled on most of my medications in the hopes that I will level out. This, being my 2nd day home I still feel quite dopey. I am tired and feel like I could sleep forever. It is a struggle to drag myself out of bed to take care of my child. However, I just have to keep reminding myself that each day will get better and better. I HAVE to take my medications and be far more responsible in order to stay away from the MHU.