Why is it that society has the need to label everything? We label race, sex, sexual orientation, mental health and....the list goes on and on. I however, wish to discuss the labels on those of us who live with a mental illness.
I have Bipolar, I however, am NOT Bipolar. I am me, the daughter of a wonderful woman whom gave me life some 30yrs ago. I am a wife, mother, full-time student and housekeeper who happens to have Bipolar.
I am finding more and more people who like to label themselves and others. I have a friend whom has just recently claimed a diagnosis of Bipolar. Do I believe this person has Bipolar? Not on your life! Why does this person want this label? To use as an excuse for their abhorrent behaviour and outright selfishness.
How do I know this person does not have Bipolar? I have known this person long enough and have been all too aware of their interest in my illness. When someone randomly starts asking questions about drug names I take etc, my suspicions are piqued.
Furthermore, when one finds out that this person has spent an incredible amount of time Dr Googling all about Bipolar, alarm bells sound. This person has gone through all of the 'signs of Bipolar' and rattled them off to a Dr whom they have only seen for the first time and rather alarmingly, prescribed Bipolar medications.
This disturbs me hugely. Bipolar is not something that can be diagnosed by one visit to a GP. Normal GP's will NOT prescribe Bipolar meds. GP's will prescribe AD's but not the anti-psychotics etc. Which, brings me to another interesting point, the GP hasn't even prescribed AD's.......
The mind boggles as to why people like to label themselves. For the most part, atleast in this case, I believe that it is attention seeking behaviour and trying to find excuses for lazy, selfish behaviour. This person it would seem, will do anything NOT to work. My prediction? Within the coming month, this person will be not working and claiming sickness benefits from Centrelink!
People like that give me the irits something shocking!
Ok, rant over.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Almost over the edge
Is how I feel today. I am exhausted, low, wishing my brain to slow right down and on edge. Even though I know why I am likely to be feeling this way, it has engulfed me. I haven't had my proper doses of medication for over a week now. How does this happen? No memory! I honestly forget that I need to go and get more medication, it is only at night when I take my meds that I realise, shit I need more meds.
Yesterday afternoon made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I came home from uni and felt wiped out. I only had an hour before I was due to pick my daughter up from school. I set my alarm for 2.50pm and fell asleep almost instantly. I am then woken not by my alarm but, by the phone ringing. It was after school care, they had my daughter. I looked at the clock and it was 4.30pm, clearly I had slept through my alarm and once I got off the phone, I saw several missed calls.
I felt like the most irresponsible mother ever. When I arrived at after school care, 10mins later, I apologised profusely but fortunately, the girls know about my illness and didn't look down upon me for what happened. God bless them, they are so wonderful to us and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed.
So, I didn't get to the gym this morning, felt too ratty. I will try my hardest to get there this afternoon but, that will largely depend on how much rest I get between now and then. I am not going to uni today, I wouldn't concentrate on anything other than how exhausted I feel. I won't be missing anything anyway as I am already onto my 2 assignments that are due soon.
My eyelids are so heavy, I am fighting to keep my eyes open. As sad as it is, I can't wait until the school drop-off is done and I can come home and collapse into bed. Fingers crossed I feel better after some sleep.
Yesterday afternoon made me feel like the worst mother in the world. I came home from uni and felt wiped out. I only had an hour before I was due to pick my daughter up from school. I set my alarm for 2.50pm and fell asleep almost instantly. I am then woken not by my alarm but, by the phone ringing. It was after school care, they had my daughter. I looked at the clock and it was 4.30pm, clearly I had slept through my alarm and once I got off the phone, I saw several missed calls.
I felt like the most irresponsible mother ever. When I arrived at after school care, 10mins later, I apologised profusely but fortunately, the girls know about my illness and didn't look down upon me for what happened. God bless them, they are so wonderful to us and it certainly doesn't go unnoticed.
So, I didn't get to the gym this morning, felt too ratty. I will try my hardest to get there this afternoon but, that will largely depend on how much rest I get between now and then. I am not going to uni today, I wouldn't concentrate on anything other than how exhausted I feel. I won't be missing anything anyway as I am already onto my 2 assignments that are due soon.
My eyelids are so heavy, I am fighting to keep my eyes open. As sad as it is, I can't wait until the school drop-off is done and I can come home and collapse into bed. Fingers crossed I feel better after some sleep.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The exhaustion that comes with a brain that refuses to stop
This morning I am feeling exhausted. Last night, my brain for whatever reason, refused to stop and allow a peaceful sleep. This is not uncommon, quite the contrary but last night I would have given anything just for a feew hours of solid sleep.
I did get up on time and take my wife to work then, went off to the gym however, even at the gym this morning I was very uninspired. I only did 10 mins of cardio before deciding I wasn't in the mood however, I did do an hour of weights and pushed myself. Truth be told, I prefer weights over cardio anyday!
Today I need to find some energy and get my house organised. Monday is a day where I catch up on all things called 'housework'. I think also that I will go back to the gym after doing the school run to do 1-2hrs cardio. I am ashamed of how lazy I was this morning.
I have 3 assignments that are due this week, 2 of them being due tomorrow. With any luck I will feel re-energised after doing my cardio workout and will come home full of energy. I am so close to the end of my studies, it is getting a little daunting. I still don't know what job I want to get at the end of finishing my degree. There are so many options, which makes it so difficult to make a decision. That and the fact that I change my mind more than I change my underwear.
After spending a nice lowkey weekend just the 3 of us, routine returns. I HATE routines! I prefer to go with the flow and find it impossible to make arrangements in advance. No matter what I do, I just can't commit to something that is forecast tomorrow and beyond. On the rare occassion where I absolutely have to commit to arrangements made in advance, I usually have several panick attacks leading up to the event and on the way to the event, vomit many times over.
Me and spontineity do not mix.
I did get up on time and take my wife to work then, went off to the gym however, even at the gym this morning I was very uninspired. I only did 10 mins of cardio before deciding I wasn't in the mood however, I did do an hour of weights and pushed myself. Truth be told, I prefer weights over cardio anyday!
Today I need to find some energy and get my house organised. Monday is a day where I catch up on all things called 'housework'. I think also that I will go back to the gym after doing the school run to do 1-2hrs cardio. I am ashamed of how lazy I was this morning.
I have 3 assignments that are due this week, 2 of them being due tomorrow. With any luck I will feel re-energised after doing my cardio workout and will come home full of energy. I am so close to the end of my studies, it is getting a little daunting. I still don't know what job I want to get at the end of finishing my degree. There are so many options, which makes it so difficult to make a decision. That and the fact that I change my mind more than I change my underwear.
After spending a nice lowkey weekend just the 3 of us, routine returns. I HATE routines! I prefer to go with the flow and find it impossible to make arrangements in advance. No matter what I do, I just can't commit to something that is forecast tomorrow and beyond. On the rare occassion where I absolutely have to commit to arrangements made in advance, I usually have several panick attacks leading up to the event and on the way to the event, vomit many times over.
Me and spontineity do not mix.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Words of Wisdom
It is true you know, what they say. Excercise is fantastic for the wellness of your brain. My psychiatrist always checks in to ensure that I am remaining active, it is by far the best remedy for a low mood. Far better to the point where it exceeds anything that medication is capable of.
The releasee of endorphins is an incredible rush. These natural 'happy'chemical releases are nothing short of amazing. After one of the lowest days in a little while on Friday, yesterday turned out to be a wonderful day. I hit the gym for over 2 hours, upped the intensity of everything I was doing and loved every droplet of sweat I saw.
Following the workout, I was in such a happy, carefree mood that made is feel so special to come home to my beautiful family. Nothing exciting happened throughout the remainder of the day but, there was just such a special vibe to the remainder of the day.
I am committed to my own wellness. I take my illness extremely seriously and therefore ensure I take my medications, everyday. However, I will admit to fiddling with my doses as required. I find that if I take my medication any later than 11pm then the entire rest of the following day is ruined. I am left with a 'hangover' effect, with no energy and wishing to spend my day in one place only, my bed.
It is the littlest things in life that I sit back and am so thankful for. Waking in the morning to a beautiful, blue sky with the slight hint of a seabreeze. The stars in the night sky, all tinkling away as though there is some secret wonderland up there.
I adore the silliness of playing with my daughter. We laugh so hard it becomes a truly hearty, from the belly laugh. We are loud, exhuberant, revelling in eachothers silliness. Then comes mum, she joins in the loud shenanigans and before long there are 3 hearty laughs and so much fun being had by our little family.
I breathe all of these things in, wanting to burn them into my brain. There is nothing more that I want than to be able to remember and smile about all the silly things the 3 of us get up to.
In love we bathe, in light we bask and in life we cherish and adore eachother!
The releasee of endorphins is an incredible rush. These natural 'happy'chemical releases are nothing short of amazing. After one of the lowest days in a little while on Friday, yesterday turned out to be a wonderful day. I hit the gym for over 2 hours, upped the intensity of everything I was doing and loved every droplet of sweat I saw.
Following the workout, I was in such a happy, carefree mood that made is feel so special to come home to my beautiful family. Nothing exciting happened throughout the remainder of the day but, there was just such a special vibe to the remainder of the day.
I am committed to my own wellness. I take my illness extremely seriously and therefore ensure I take my medications, everyday. However, I will admit to fiddling with my doses as required. I find that if I take my medication any later than 11pm then the entire rest of the following day is ruined. I am left with a 'hangover' effect, with no energy and wishing to spend my day in one place only, my bed.
It is the littlest things in life that I sit back and am so thankful for. Waking in the morning to a beautiful, blue sky with the slight hint of a seabreeze. The stars in the night sky, all tinkling away as though there is some secret wonderland up there.
I adore the silliness of playing with my daughter. We laugh so hard it becomes a truly hearty, from the belly laugh. We are loud, exhuberant, revelling in eachothers silliness. Then comes mum, she joins in the loud shenanigans and before long there are 3 hearty laughs and so much fun being had by our little family.
I breathe all of these things in, wanting to burn them into my brain. There is nothing more that I want than to be able to remember and smile about all the silly things the 3 of us get up to.
In love we bathe, in light we bask and in life we cherish and adore eachother!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Here goes
Ok, so what does mental mean? mental adj 1: involving the mind or an intellectual process; "mental images of happy times"; "mental calculations"; "in a terrible mental state"; "mental suffering"; "free from mental defects" [ant: {physical}]
2: of or relating to the mind; "mental powers"; "mental development"; "mental hygiene" 3: of or relating to the chin- or lip-like structure in insects and certain mollusks 4: of or relating to the chin or median part of the lower jaw [syn: {genial}]
5: affected by a disorder of the mind; "a mental patient"; "mental illness".
The highlighted definition relates to me. My mental illness? Bipolar. What is Bipolar?
Bipolar \Bi*po"lar\, a. [Pref. bi- + polar. Cf.{Dipolar}.]
Doubly polar; having two poles; as, a bipolar cell or corpuscle.
[1913 Webster].
bipolar adj 1: of or relating to manic depressive illness 2: of, pertaining to, or occurring in both polar regions; "the bipolar distribution of certain species" 3: having two poles [ant: {unipolar}].
Ok, so now I have given the meaning of my illness and the word others refer to people with Bipolar as. Again, the highlighted definition best defines Bipolar. Bipolar is notoriously difficult to accurately diagnose and just as difficult to treat and maintain.
My background; I had a full breakdown several years ago and at that time was finally diagnosed with Bipolar. For the previous 10 yrs my doctors all had a hunch that I had Bipolar but, I alluded them each time they 'psych tested' me. I knew there was something 'wrong' that made me very 'different' from people I knew however, it was dismissed and I was labelled 'quirky'.
Before I go any further, there is something I need to also get off my chest as it will help put things into perspective. I am a lesbian but only 'came out fully' 4 years ago. Prior to that I had had 'relations' with women but I chose not to share that with anyone. I was 'trying' so hard to live the 'straight' life but as time passed, I realised that I was only denying the happiness of one person, me. And for what was I denying myself happiness for? The paralysing fear of being cut off and abandoned by all those who loved me.
Ok, back to my Bipolar. I do NOT wear my illness as a badge! I do NOT advertise my illness! I very rarely even discuss my illness. I am OUT of DENIAL but, getting busy with living with my Bipolar. NEVER do I wish for sympathy, I am the furthest person from a 'poor me' however, I WILL talk about my illness to help others.
That is what has led me here. This blog will be firstly about ME, giving me a place to write about my feelings, a place to have an 'out'. You see, I find it very difficult to talk to anyone, besides my treating doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists. Even then, sometimes I barely utter more than 2 words and a few nods of the head throughout a session.
I don't often talk to my wife about how I am feeling. She, god love her is a 'fixer'. Anytime I sit down and discuss a problem or an issue with how I feel, she automatically goes into 'mrs fixit' mode. Despite telling her til I am blue in the face, I don't need 'fixing', it is impossible to simply 'fix' how I feel, it is her nature and god love her for that.
So, this is going to be my space to 'talk' about how I am feeling and also 'help' any other sufferers who, 'just want to talk, not be 'fixed''.
Today, I am bad. I am low and am ready to succumb. I have been fighting it for 2 weeks now and I am losing the battle, fast. I want to disconnect from the world, turn the phones off, not answer the door and speak to no one. I wish I could just climb into my bed and stay there. But, of course I can't as I am a mum, wife, full-time student, house cleaner, bill payer and, the list goes on.
If only I could escape my life for even just a day. To have no one to demand I do things, to be 100% left alone. Why is it too much to ask?
2: of or relating to the mind; "mental powers"; "mental development"; "mental hygiene" 3: of or relating to the chin- or lip-like structure in insects and certain mollusks 4: of or relating to the chin or median part of the lower jaw [syn: {genial}]
5: affected by a disorder of the mind; "a mental patient"; "mental illness".
The highlighted definition relates to me. My mental illness? Bipolar. What is Bipolar?
Bipolar \Bi*po"lar\, a. [Pref. bi- + polar. Cf.{Dipolar}.]
Doubly polar; having two poles; as, a bipolar cell or corpuscle.
[1913 Webster].
bipolar adj 1: of or relating to manic depressive illness 2: of, pertaining to, or occurring in both polar regions; "the bipolar distribution of certain species" 3: having two poles [ant: {unipolar}].
Ok, so now I have given the meaning of my illness and the word others refer to people with Bipolar as. Again, the highlighted definition best defines Bipolar. Bipolar is notoriously difficult to accurately diagnose and just as difficult to treat and maintain.
My background; I had a full breakdown several years ago and at that time was finally diagnosed with Bipolar. For the previous 10 yrs my doctors all had a hunch that I had Bipolar but, I alluded them each time they 'psych tested' me. I knew there was something 'wrong' that made me very 'different' from people I knew however, it was dismissed and I was labelled 'quirky'.
Before I go any further, there is something I need to also get off my chest as it will help put things into perspective. I am a lesbian but only 'came out fully' 4 years ago. Prior to that I had had 'relations' with women but I chose not to share that with anyone. I was 'trying' so hard to live the 'straight' life but as time passed, I realised that I was only denying the happiness of one person, me. And for what was I denying myself happiness for? The paralysing fear of being cut off and abandoned by all those who loved me.
Ok, back to my Bipolar. I do NOT wear my illness as a badge! I do NOT advertise my illness! I very rarely even discuss my illness. I am OUT of DENIAL but, getting busy with living with my Bipolar. NEVER do I wish for sympathy, I am the furthest person from a 'poor me' however, I WILL talk about my illness to help others.
That is what has led me here. This blog will be firstly about ME, giving me a place to write about my feelings, a place to have an 'out'. You see, I find it very difficult to talk to anyone, besides my treating doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists. Even then, sometimes I barely utter more than 2 words and a few nods of the head throughout a session.
I don't often talk to my wife about how I am feeling. She, god love her is a 'fixer'. Anytime I sit down and discuss a problem or an issue with how I feel, she automatically goes into 'mrs fixit' mode. Despite telling her til I am blue in the face, I don't need 'fixing', it is impossible to simply 'fix' how I feel, it is her nature and god love her for that.
So, this is going to be my space to 'talk' about how I am feeling and also 'help' any other sufferers who, 'just want to talk, not be 'fixed''.
Today, I am bad. I am low and am ready to succumb. I have been fighting it for 2 weeks now and I am losing the battle, fast. I want to disconnect from the world, turn the phones off, not answer the door and speak to no one. I wish I could just climb into my bed and stay there. But, of course I can't as I am a mum, wife, full-time student, house cleaner, bill payer and, the list goes on.
If only I could escape my life for even just a day. To have no one to demand I do things, to be 100% left alone. Why is it too much to ask?
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