Ok, so what does mental mean? mental adj 1: involving the mind or an intellectual process; "mental images of happy times"; "mental calculations"; "in a terrible mental state"; "mental suffering"; "free from mental defects" [ant: {physical}]
2: of or relating to the mind; "mental powers"; "mental development"; "mental hygiene" 3: of or relating to the chin- or lip-like structure in insects and certain mollusks 4: of or relating to the chin or median part of the lower jaw [syn: {genial}]
5: affected by a disorder of the mind; "a mental patient"; "mental illness".
The highlighted definition relates to me. My mental illness? Bipolar. What is Bipolar?
Bipolar \Bi*po"lar\, a. [Pref. bi- + polar. Cf.{Dipolar}.]
Doubly polar; having two poles; as, a bipolar cell or corpuscle.
[1913 Webster].
bipolar adj 1: of or relating to manic depressive illness 2: of, pertaining to, or occurring in both polar regions; "the bipolar distribution of certain species" 3: having two poles [ant: {unipolar}].
Ok, so now I have given the meaning of my illness and the word others refer to people with Bipolar as. Again, the highlighted definition best defines Bipolar. Bipolar is notoriously difficult to accurately diagnose and just as difficult to treat and maintain.
My background; I had a full breakdown several years ago and at that time was finally diagnosed with Bipolar. For the previous 10 yrs my doctors all had a hunch that I had Bipolar but, I alluded them each time they 'psych tested' me. I knew there was something 'wrong' that made me very 'different' from people I knew however, it was dismissed and I was labelled 'quirky'.
Before I go any further, there is something I need to also get off my chest as it will help put things into perspective. I am a lesbian but only 'came out fully' 4 years ago. Prior to that I had had 'relations' with women but I chose not to share that with anyone. I was 'trying' so hard to live the 'straight' life but as time passed, I realised that I was only denying the happiness of one person, me. And for what was I denying myself happiness for? The paralysing fear of being cut off and abandoned by all those who loved me.
Ok, back to my Bipolar. I do NOT wear my illness as a badge! I do NOT advertise my illness! I very rarely even discuss my illness. I am OUT of DENIAL but, getting busy with living with my Bipolar. NEVER do I wish for sympathy, I am the furthest person from a 'poor me' however, I WILL talk about my illness to help others.
That is what has led me here. This blog will be firstly about ME, giving me a place to write about my feelings, a place to have an 'out'. You see, I find it very difficult to talk to anyone, besides my treating doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists. Even then, sometimes I barely utter more than 2 words and a few nods of the head throughout a session.
I don't often talk to my wife about how I am feeling. She, god love her is a 'fixer'. Anytime I sit down and discuss a problem or an issue with how I feel, she automatically goes into 'mrs fixit' mode. Despite telling her til I am blue in the face, I don't need 'fixing', it is impossible to simply 'fix' how I feel, it is her nature and god love her for that.
So, this is going to be my space to 'talk' about how I am feeling and also 'help' any other sufferers who, 'just want to talk, not be 'fixed''.
Today, I am bad. I am low and am ready to succumb. I have been fighting it for 2 weeks now and I am losing the battle, fast. I want to disconnect from the world, turn the phones off, not answer the door and speak to no one. I wish I could just climb into my bed and stay there. But, of course I can't as I am a mum, wife, full-time student, house cleaner, bill payer and, the list goes on.
If only I could escape my life for even just a day. To have no one to demand I do things, to be 100% left alone. Why is it too much to ask?
About Me
- beach.chick
- I am an everyday woman, struggling with mental illness. I had a mental breakdown back in 2006 and it was at this time I was finally, formally diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder. It had long been suspected but, with a Psychology background, I was very good at 'passing' the doctor/psychologist/psychiatrist's phsych tests. Why? Because I knew there was 'something' wrong but, remained in denial where I felt safe. This is the very first time that I have written about my life and the reason that I have decided to start blogging is; to educate the ignorant and offer support and courage to the weak. Mental illness is a dirty word in society mainly, in my opinion, due to ignorance which breeds judgement.